i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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