I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My hand turned me down
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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