you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
