I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
