Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
