My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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