I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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