so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
