Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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