so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
