she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
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Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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