Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
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Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
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SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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