she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
