Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
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God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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