what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
