i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
