was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Life is so much better after having sex.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
