did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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