I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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