I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
