Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
