wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
