your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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