my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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