Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
