I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
