I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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