remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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