dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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