I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
