If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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