MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
