god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
