Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
