she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
