Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
