If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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