i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
