I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
