your parents love me but you hate me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's always time for handjobs
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
