I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
