An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
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Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
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It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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