we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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