Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
