"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
