Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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