im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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