apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
