Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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