I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
