textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
