If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
