Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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