just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
