Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
