Plan B is the new Plan A
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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